Doctrine of the Man's Man

Freshman Newsletter 4

2004-06-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

MAN'S MAN'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

FOR THE WEEK OF MAY 26 - JUNE 1
THE FRAILTIES OF THE HEART

I would like to start off this week's newsletter with an apology. I am sorry that I wasn't able to issue a newsletter last week. I was terribly busy with work and other things, like my birthday and my dad's, which nobody remembered by the way. So if you forgot my birthday, then we'll just call it even. But because I am even more sincere than all of you, I will attempt to remedy my mistake by making this newsletter extra good. Of course, by trying to make it better, I will probably make it worse, for that seems to be the nature of things in life. The harder you try, the less impressive it seems. A good example is my hair. If I ever try to make it look good, it just seems to get worse. So I have just learned to give up on it. These past two weeks have been very busy for me, but I have managed to squeeze in a few interesting moments. I would first like to point out the similarities between Tiffany Oaks and Mike Tyson. I know you are thinking this is just some random connection I have made, but please, hear me out. Tiffany wrote in one of her messages that she wished someone would have children so that she could eat them. Mike Tyson said the exact same thing to one of his opponents before a match to a news reporter. Just thought I'd point that one out. I had my birthday party on Sunday, just one of those fun little family parties. The only thing that's boring about it is that my family consists of me and two parents. Not to mention two boring parents. Luckily, my grandparents also were at the party, although neither my parents or granparents are good for any conversation of any kind, besides the weather and the price of gasoline. I'm sure many of you have made the same observation about your own parents.
The rest of this newsletter was lost in cyberspace. Sorry to disappoint.

Freshman Newsletter 3

2004-05-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

MAN'S MAN'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

FOR THE WEEK OF MAY 16-22
HONEYMOON'S ARE FOR TALKING
Another week has come and gone, yet it feels like it has only been a few hours since I was writing last week's newsletter. Time flies when you are surrounded by beautiful women - I mean when you are busy with work. No, I'm not surrounded by gorgeous women, unless I'm at the gym working out. I've come to appreciate the BYU honor code, because at the YMCA it is definitely violated by every female that isn't there just to lose weight. The scenery is nice, but it's distracting at times. It also makes me feel guilty for being out of shape, but that is slowly changing. The thing I hate the most about being out of shape, besides not being able to get ALL the girls, is that I sweat a lot. When you are working out, your muscles produce heat, and that heat can't escape as well when you have all this insulation around you. That makes you sweat. It's the worst when it gets in your eyes, or on open wounds that you got earlier that day while working for your malicious grandfather. Now I don't want you to think that I'm complaining - like I always say, "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger." So while I'm at the gym, attempting to get buff, and trying not to look at the several square miles of visible skin, I like to talk to people. I recognize a lot of people from my pre-BYU life, and some recognize me. The only new people that I meet are either old men or large women. The good-looking ones either don't notice me, or I am just trying not to look at them so hard that they think I'm married or something. Nope, I'm not married, just trying to be a good missionary. The only difference is that when you are a missionary, women want you. Second to the UPS man of course. The only conversation around here with my family is about my sister's wedding. She gets married in June, and my parents can't seem to stop talking about it. They always say things like, "I remember what it was like when we were first married," and unfortunately, I'm not naive enough to not know what they are really talking about. It just sickens me. It makes me even more sick to know that my sister will be staying here for a couple nights before the reception here, which is 10 days after the wedding. Then my Mom starts talking about honeymoons, and I unwittingly say something like "do they just make out for days on end or what?" and then my mom gets a dreamy look in her eyes and says "Oh no, they do more than that. Why do you think the first place they go is to a hotel?" Sometimes I really wish I'd learn to think about what I say before I open my mouth. Then I really get to wondering what really happens on a honeymoon. I mean, the two people already know eachother really well, so talking seems kind of boring. They can go exploring whatever vacations spot they are on, but that gets tiring after a while. They could watch TV, but that's nothing special. So what do they do, besides the obvious? I really wonder how a week or two can be occupied by just that. There must be something else that I'm missing, maybe wrestling or something. That can always entertain for hours, especially if it's in the mud. Maybe they just sleep a lot, because they are tired out from all the commotion of the wedding. Or maybe they are writing thank-you letters for days on end. Or maybe playing some strip poker. That sounds fun. Another perk of getting married is all the gifts. My sister had a bridal shower, and filled a truck full of stuff. Now she gets two more receptions!!!??? She's going to have more stuff than my parents. I'm definitely getting married to the first girl I meet after my mission. OK, I know you all are waiting to hear the word of the week. Here it is. Atmatertera. It's a name of a relation, specifically the great-grandfather's grandmother's sister. I didn't know there was a name for that, but i guess there is. I don't even know who my atmatertera is, and I'm not going to take the time to find out. The girl that I've had a crush on ever since we met freshman year is back in town. I saw her the other day, and I'm in love again. The only problem is, she's way out of my league. She is so perfect, I feel filthy even being near her. This is no exaggeration, she is too wonderful for this world. OUr relationship kinda stops there though, because every time I see her about all I can manage is to say hi. Rarely we talk, and I just have to savor those moments. Maybe if I keep going to the gym, I'll get the confidence to make eye contact, but that's not likely. Enough of my complaining, I just wanted to show everyone that even I can quiver at the knees and lack the confidence to get whomever I want. Basically I'm telling you that I am humble. I'm tired and I don't have much else to say this week, because my life has been pretty boring, other than to remind you that you and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals...
Oh, and stay on the straight and narrow.
-Elder Man's Man

Freshman Newsletter 2

2004-05-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

MAN'S MAN'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

FOR THE WEEK OF MAY 9 - MAY 15

IS IT COOL TO BE MORMON?

Well, it's Tuesday night again, and that means...
Time for the Man's Man's Weekly Newsletter!!! If you guessed that one before reading it, give yourself 5 points (we will be adding up point totals throughout this newsletter, so keep score and write your total down). Man's Man's Word of the week: Brouhaha If you know what this word means, you get 10 points. I will tell you its real definition at the end of the newsletter (a little trick I learned while i was in Nam to keep my readers' attention).
So I went to Best Buy this week to get a DVD, and while I was there I picked up a three-CD Yes album (for you girls, "Yes" is the name of the band). If there are any Yes fans out there, then you appreciate their musical genius in such songs as "Don't Kill the Whale," "Siberian Khatru," and "Tempus Fugit." I have to admit, the names of the songs leave something to be desired, but the songs themselves are most enjoyable. Whenever you get a new CD, you listen to that CD over and over again for a couple days, right? Those songs then become permanently fixed in your brain, so whenever you're not focusing your intellect on something, the songs pop into your head. Well I've been doing a lot of manual labor, and manual labor leaves a lot of room for some day-dreaming/deep thinking. My point is that the song "Don't kill the whale" has been stuck in my head for about 120 hours. So just picture me working with my grandpa, drilling holes, painting, and hammering hundreds of nails, and sweating up a storm (sorry to get you ladies excited). The whole time I'm working, I have visions of whales running through my head, jumping about, walking on legs, and floating in the air with the clouds. Whales have taken over my existence, and I can't find a way to get rid of them. When something like that gets stuck in your head, what is a sure remedy? Start thinking about the opposite sex, of course. So as I'm working, I either have pictures of whales running through my head, or visions of beautiful BYU girls smothering my face with egg whites and oil of lavender. Thinking about the two so much has kind of blended them together, so when I think about BYU girls, I picture a large beached mammal with long hair and knee-length shorts. I'm desperately trying to overcome this association, but I can't until you girls start sending me your pictures (if you do, you get 20 points per picture). Enough with that story. Now on to the topic of my newsletter. I've been thinking a lot about (besides beached whales) what it means to be mormon. We really are a different people, but in today's society, no one puts it better than Arby's in saying "different is good." Yes, we are "good", but are we "cool"? I would argue yes. Sure, we may wear more clothing, we may not talk like gangstas, we may not be partay (not party) animals, we may not swim on Sundays, we may not have "hip" tattooes, we may not be able to laugh at little old grandmothers with a clean conscience, and we may not know what Bacardi is, but we darn well know how to have fun. What other group of people could you joke about having many wives with, and have them actually consider it as a possibility? What other group of people can you talk about "drinking" around and have everyone thinking of Kool-Aid? What other group of people thinks that the phrase "getting some action" means to make out? What other group of people can go from playing Halo to helping old ladies across the street in a matter of seconds? With what other group of people are you not a little bit nervous when people look through your wallet? What other group of people can take so much time to prepare for one lousy date? What other group of people thinks about marriage as soon as they get out of the house? What other group of people never pressures you to do something you don't want to do? What other group of people has hot chicks that aren't easy? What other group of people really doesn't picture everyone else naked? What other group of people has found thousands of ways to have fun for free? What other group of people doesn't have to hurt someone else to have a good time? And what other group of people is so cool that they don't even have to tell everyone how cool they are? I think you can see my point. We mormons are different, but we are still about the coolest group of people in the world. If you write me an email and list other reasons why mormons are cool, you can get another 15 points. There are many other good reasons out there, I just don't have the time to think of them all. So if you ever are feeling down and thinks it sucks to be mormon because we can't do anything "fun", go through this list again. We have tons of ways to have fun, they're just different (and better). If you want concrete proof of how much fun we have, just count the number of siblings you and your friends have, and think about how they got here. Well, don't think about it too hard or you might have to have a paper bag handy. Someday we'll all be getting married, and our parents will give us a little advice on that subject. That is reason enough for me to not get married. I guess now I better reveal the true meaning of the word of the week. If you can even remember what the word is, give yourself another 5 points. Otherwise, scroll back up to the top and see what it is, stand up, turn around three times, do five jumping jacks, 6 nostril flares, and 7 eyebrow furrows. If you actually did as I said, give yourself 30 points. If you laughed at that lame attempt to be funny, you only get 5 points. Remember the honor code we all got used to during our stay with Brigham. Don't cheat me or yourself. The word of the week means a confused disturbance far greater than its cause merits, as in hubbub or uproar. Try to use that one in your daily language. Not only does it sound smart, but it also makes you sound like some kind of ape. A smart ape is what we should all strive to be. Here comes my conclusion for this week. I hope you have all learned that A) Mormons are cool; B) Beached whales aren't so bad; C) Your parents really concieved you at some point, through a process we all learned about in sixth grade (or second grade if you are from California); D) Apes are smart; E) Yes is the name of a band; and F) The Man's Man has lost his mind.
Oh, one more thing. The points you've all been keeping track of. If you are a girl who got more than 20 points, you get to go on a date with me, and I'll pay. The only requirements are that you either drive to Redding, CA this summer, or wait for me to get back from my mission. If you are married by then, I don't mind. If you do mind, I'll babysit your kid(s) while you and your "husband" go on a date. If you are a girl who got between 0 and 20 points, you win a date with me, but you have to pay, and pick me up. If you are a guy who earned any points at all, you get to worship me on Man's Man's Monday's, and it will not be counted as a sin. If you earned no points you will go to outer darkness.
This ends my newsletter, but let me give you one final cute poem that can help you stand up for what you believe: Dare to be a mormon, Dare to stand alone. Dare to have a purpose, Dare to make it known.
(and dare to be cool.) Until next Tuesday night, Elder Man's Man

Freshman Newsletter 1

2004-05-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

MAN'S MAN'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

FOR THE WEEK OF MAY 2 - MAY 8

IS IT TIME TO TURN THE HORMONES OFF YET?
As you may have guessed from the title of this newsletter, I am going to be talking a lot about the love lives that we are all probably going through right now, the weekly crushes, the "making something out of nothing" (like someone asking you to dance at a stake dance, and you begin to think they want to go steady with you), and the endless dreaming about a special someone as you drift off to sleep. Now, you may be thinking, "that doesn't happen to the Man's Man, all women really do have a crush on him." I can assure you that not all women like me, although I have to admit that I'm doing pretty good. The only problem is, is it OK, now that I'm so close to going on a mission, to let my heart remain open and welcome to L-O-V-E? Many of you are probably facing a similar dilemma, and girls, while your situations are probably the exact opposite right now (for most of you), this letter will still be pertinent.
So you see, there's some cute mormon girls in Redding right now, and my lips are just itching to find a mate. The only ones they ever came close to were those of a drunk girl, and that was barely even a kiss, so I'm not counting that one as a kiss. Yes, you are wondering how it is that I have managed to be so pure, and let me tell you that fighting off women from trying to kiss me is the sole reason that I have gotten so big. It's one of those evolutionary things. That and the frozen pizza every night at college. Anyway, now that I have established the fact that I am VL, and I have all of you women drooling (and the guys from 245, and some from 244), I can continue with my thought. Of these cute mormon girls in Redding, some are even available at the moment, and what do you know, so am I. Some I've had a crush on in previous years, and I believe that a few have even had a crush on me, such as this one girl who asked me to the Sadie Hawkin's dance. Of course, back then I was a jerk, and I went with her, but once I got to the dance I practically ignored her and let my hormones take control, and traded her in for some more developed non-mormon girls, whose outfits didn't seem to be quite as suited for cold climates as the mormons' outfits were. I think you know what I mean. Well, this girl was kind of disappointed in me, and for all I know I made her cry that night. Do I feel really bad? Of course I do, I wish I had the sense then that I do now. But we've all made many mistakes in our lives, and it's up to us to find a way to remedy the problem with our neighbor, so that they can forgive us. So does her forgiveness include me making out with her this summer? I'm starting to believe it. I hope you can sense my sarcasm, since you already know that I am VL and wouldn't make out with anyone now since I'm almost on my mission anyway. So now we come to the point where I have to make a decision as to what I will or won't do while my mission is lingering (hopefully) in the forefront of my mind. Should I pursue these girls? At least I've already made the decision that any I will pursue will be mormon, that will help keep me worthy. But is even a date with a mormon girl OK, especially if it leads to a deep relationship? I'm thinking a few dates are OK, as long as I cut it off as soon as they agree to wait for me on my mission. Then I can move on to the next girl, and so on down the line. Then when I get back from my mission, I'll have a whole managerie to choose from. This is also when I invite all of you ladies to wait for me and write me on my mission. I can guarantee that I will be available when I get back, so I should be able to expect the same from you. I'd also like to thank all of the beautiful girls in our ward (and i think i can speak for all of the guys by saying this) for making me want to be heterosexual. It really helped me when I went through my mission interviews. And I'd like to thank Barbie for making me listen to Hotel California in a different way (if you were at our last dance party, you know what I'm talking about). Hopefully she will wait for me too. Time now to leave the fantasy and get back to reality. These girls here are just waiting for me to ask them out, I just know it. And I've just come to the conclusion that it is OK, and maybe even a kiss or two is OK, as long as the tongue stays caged up behind teeth. The fact that Ross just kissed his girlfriend (and yes, I believe I can say he has a girlfriend now because he kissed her) has helped me justify these actions for myself. Ross is a good kid, and if he doesn't think it's bad, then I don't either. I know that's not a very surprising decision, but it is if it means that it isn't time to turn the hormones off yet. When, then, do I? As soon as I get to the MTC? Won't it be hard to go from liking girls to being around guys all the time, especially when i just started liking girls? Oh well, I guess I'll just have to fill the canteen up to the top, and cap it off on the plane ride back to Utah. So here's my message to all you guys out there - fill the canteen as quickly as possible, and cap it off a little early if you can. Girls, help those guys fill the canteens, and if you have to, come to Redding and help me fill mine, cause mine's more like a 55 gallon barrell. The church has even said we should have two years of food storage - and food is just about anything that goes in your mouth. Sorry, that one was kind of gross, please forgive me for being so explicit, but it does help me justify my appetite. I think I'm running out of things to say on this topic, any more and I'll just start going into how men are better than women, but I have way too much information to support that argument. Until next week, keep filling that canteen (yours or his).
-The Man's Man, AKA Sasqwatch